Imposter syndrome is defined as a psychological occurence whereby people doubt their own abilities. In this post I’d like to talk a little bit about my own experience, to hopefully shed some light on what you can do to ease your own mind.

History

I started my career in security in early 2019, as a security consultant. This was a particularly exciting time for me, as high-school and university both were environments where my interests weren’t shared by everyone.

During the internship and subsequent probationary period, I got to know many amazing people. At first this was an absolute blessing, you could sit down anywhere in the office and have an in-depth conversation about topics that you care about deeply. Everyone was exceedingly friendly and happy to offer up their time to assist with anything you might need. While this period was filled with pleasant memories, it was also very stressful for the following reasons:

  • Other people joined with me, obviously I’d be making comparisons

  • Juniors seemed to know a great deal more than me, even though I’d dedicated huge swathes of my time to learning about security

  • Seniors would do things that seemed impossible or at the very least incredibly difficult, but would somehow seem like they were under no pressure at all

  • I had this unsettling feeling that I had been living in a fantasy world, whereby the following uncomfortable truths had become apparent

    • My own knowledge was much more limited than I had thought
    • Other people are just smarter
    • Other people learn much quicker
    • Nobody experiences the same anxiety
    • I would never be able to catch up to anyone and was doomed to either fail probation entirely or perform to a subpar level

The Fallout

The particularly evil thing about imposter syndrome is the idea that speaking about it makes it real. If I admitted to having these feelings and spoke up about it, my manager might suspect that I am incompetent and investigate. All in all, this resulted in the following:

  • I would randomly snap at family/friends for the smallest reasons
  • Insomnia
  • Anxiety attacks where during the working day I would have to get away from my desk for a few minutes to get my emotions in check, otherwise working was impossible
  • Working ludicrious amounts of overtime without telling anyone, hoping that I’d appear more valuable than I actually am
  • Finally I left the company for a development position, as I had convinced myself that security was just a stressful industry and it wasn’t for me

The shift in role and environment did help relieve a significant amount of stress, at least at first.

The Fallout (Again !?)

Without getting into too much detail, after getting comfortable in my new role as a backend engineer, the intrusive thoughts started once more. This would escalate and escalate until at some point I was forced to see a psychiatrist as I could no longer manage my own emotions.

As you can imagine, having gone through the process of swapping companies and roles only to get back to square one was incredibly frustrating and disheartening. There were many nights where I would sit behind my desk, working on something and thinking about how I simply cannot be worth the salary that I’m paid.

At some point during this entire drama, a friend let me know that my previous employer was short a mobile security consultant. Truthfully, at the time I took the opportunity to join my old employer again, as I missed the security industry.

The Truth

Imposter syndrome is something I still struggle with. Some weeks are easier than others, and some months are just impossible to get through, but I manage. It took a lot of work and therapy to get to a point where I can be functional at work and happy at home - but I am eternally grateful for the support of my family, friends and employers. If you are struggling with imposter syndrome, please try all of the below:

  • Talk about it
    • Honestly, this is the most important thing. Looking at your colleagues and assuming that they are doing these great things without breaking a sweat is unrealistic. Even though it may seem that way, everyone struggles and everyone, at times, can feel like they are not good enough
    • Before leaving my position as a security consultant, a colleague gave me this advice and if I understood it sooner things could have been different.
    • After leaving my position as a backend engineer, a few months later I heard that a colleague who I viewed as an absolute super-human, ended up in the hospital because they were working insane hours.
    • My second shot at being a security consultant was even more stressful, since the person who had left the company was one of my mentors. The one thing I did/still do differently is to TALK ABOUT IT which has really made a world of difference.
  • See a therapist, sometimes all you really need is a neutral third party to listen and alongside you
  • Challenge yourself
    • Nothing beats the feeling of doing something that you thought you were incapable of, we have enormous potential for growth and if you try, the results will come
  • Read about congnitive behaviour therapy and apply the techniques
    • Specifically cognitive restructuring and guided discovery were invaluable tools
    • Personally, I used to keep a list of assessments which contained things I thought I did really well but also areas I could improve. It’s important that you are brutally honest with yourself here and stick to the facts.

Finally, I’d like to acknowledge that I could not have made significant progress without the support of my:

  • Life partner
  • Family
  • Closest friends
  • Colleagues and mentors who were/are open about their own experiences